Are you the man that I have now? Is he the man I am going to someday call my husband?

I did reconciled with him that day when we broke up, so now we are back again. Our break up didn't lasted for more than 3 hours. But honestly he makes me feel confused about the way he treats me sometimes. I am not sure if its just his mental condition or I am just overthinking things between us. But I truly love him. That's all I know.

Like what I have always prayed, I just want to love one man in this lifetime. I think men deserves loyalty, honor and respect. You know, I have always hated the existence of under dogs in movies or drama series because I believe that each men deserves to find a good woman for them and they don't have to fight for just one woman. But when men are blinded by a woman's charm and outward beauty, they could not see the inner beauty of those women who are genuine, which is far more better than the outward charm.

The man that I have now, he is outside the person that I have always dreamed about marrying. Yes he is a Christian, but it was later on in our relationship when I discovered he is still smoking and drinking. But he is not a drunkard. Its just his way of life, I guess for being a British man and someone who has once exposed himself to crime and violence in his very young age. But I don't mind his dark past. I guess we all have our own darkness from within. And our sins before God, big or small are all like flat buildings on a bird's eye perspective so those don't really matter at all.

I picked him up on a desperate day he was looking for a woman to love him. I said since he is a Christian, I'll give him a chance. I trusted him my heart coz I know he himself knows how it is to be hurt by someone. So I know, cheating is out of the way. His ex-partner cheated on him many times until one day he decided to completely put her out of his life. It hurt really him bad that caused him his clinical anxiety and depression. They were never married and so technically and legally, he is still single although they had two kids together.

When we met, everything was going well for the first two months. Until on November last year, his stresses started to pile up. It was first when he could not seek proper advice from his doctors. He had a hard time sleeping coz he wanted to stop smoking. But he was nicotine dependent so that's why he really struggled a lot. Then when I told him about the cost of migration it made it hard for him to save. And our longing for each other too, but both our countries are on closed borders. Also those were the days when its starting to get colder because of the coming of winter season and so on and so forth. It suddenly felt he was drifting or pushing me away. I wanted to spend time talking to him over chat but he wakes up either late or always says he needs to do something. But he did explained himself to me. And I do understand the struggles he is going through. I do love him and want to help him so I stood by him on his hard days.

He is a good man. But its his PTSD and anxiety that causes all these struggles. He said that when he is alone, he feels depressed because he gets to think of all sorts of things and he feels hopeless. I know that typical advice of people is to just "brush it off" but its not for someone who has this kind of mental condition. I've looked all over the internet about people who are struggling with it. And its for real. As a partner, if you don't have a better understanding of what he is going through, it will just be easy to walk away. But I love him beyond his anxieties and PTSD.

But honestly, there are times that I wanted to just give up. But I am always reminded about God's love who never gives up and I wanted to give him that kind of love even if its really hard sometimes. I know I can't and should not change him because only God can cause a man to change, but I am just really here to love him wholly and sincerely. It easy to love a man when he can promise you the world. But as for him, he said he can't do that right now, but he does love and care for me. But I know he is also trying his best. He even said that he will open a savings account for me so that he can sort our marriage and visa eventually.

Dear future husband, are you really him? That's something I do not know yet. But there's one thing I can promise you, that I will love him faithfully and sincerely now just as how I will greatly love you as my one day husband. Should you be him or not, I will end up with no regrets because I loved genuinely body, heart, mind and soul.

I will long for you until, I can finally officially call you my husband.

Tons of care and love,

Mafets

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