All The Beautiful Things

naysanalbaytar

May 9

A few days ago I watched a random sci-fi movie in YouTube that starred two teenagers stuck in a time loop and, unable to escape and return to their normal lives, decided to find perfect moments in their day. In the ordinariness of their endlessly repeating days, they found beautiful moments around them and recorded them.

*Life blooms in the middle of the pandemic.*

The Cycle: Up and Down

This made me wonder about the way I've spent my time these past months and years. The past two years brought massive changes to the world and to the life of so many people. To me it brought a turning point, a blessing. It gave me the break I needed from my routine and gave me the courage to let the dreams I've long locked inside me to soar, take flight, and come to life.

I finally broke free from the bars I surrounded myself with and acknowledged that if I wanted to chase my dreams, I needed to get out and allow myself to be seen. And what a beautiful experience it had been - to share of myself and share in others. It was a journey of self discovery, leading to a reaffirmation of my calling and purpose, and in the process I found people to journey with.

I managed to bring to light and recognize the many limiting beliefs I've held on to for so long, and by bringing them to light I was able to clearly see that they did not define my life and I can break free - and I did. Without the weight that used to weigh me down, I rediscovered potentials and possibilities I didn't know exist in me. I finally published my first book and am now in the final stages of publishing my second book. I have also discovered a calling to help other writers publish their book. I took great leaps to overcome my fear of speaking. I joined many communities and met many likeminded individuals who brought me closer to God and to my dreams. I tried new things, and I learned to be excited for the unknown. All was well.

And then the world started to heal, and it was good. But then, I realized there are still limiting beliefs I have not fully let go of. Life is a cycle. What comes up must come down. After all, we cannot have it all. The return of everything to normal brought an irrational fear in me. While I acknowledged that healing is good, I have so closely associated the pandemic with all the blessings I received during the past two years - surely, the end of the pandemic must mean an end to the inspiration and the energy that fueled me throughout this season. And true enough, what the mind believes, the universe conceives.

When we went back to the previous-normal way of life, going out and going to work, I felt everything slowed down. As I slowly reconnected with the physical world, I slowly let go of parts of my life that existed in the virtual world - I simply didn't have enough time to manage both. I had to choose.

And all this time, I was gripped by fear. I feared that the past 2 years would disappear and I'd end up back where I was before - in a place of fear, of playing small, of just cruising to get by, of invisibility and safety. Even my relationship with God suffered. I felt like I was running in a circle, chasing Him but not finding Him. Or finding Him, and then losing Him again. Worse, I felt like I was getting too comfortable with isolating myself, and it further strengthened my limiting belief that a cycle exists - and it's time to come down because I've been up there too long. What a scary, scary thought.

*My usual workstation during the pandemic.*

The Cycle: A Continuous Journey

I recognize that everything above, perhaps 90% of it, is happening in my head. The battle is inside, although my outside reality is often part of the casualty. The mind is such a fertile ground - everything planted in it almost always grows.

But while this was the cause of my misery, this also proved to be my salvation... Because all the seeds that were sown inside of me have started bearing fruit. I have stronger awareness of what's real and what's not, and part of my weapon are the lessons I learned from the people I've met during the past season. There is one particular lesson I hold on to, a lesson that one of my coaches shared sometime ago.

After everything I've been through, it is impossible to go back to who I used to be... Because now I know things I didn't know before, have skills I didn't have before, have done things I wouldn't have done before - all of which have fundamentally changed me. And so even if I slide back, I wouldn't end up where I used to be.

This gives me hope. And now while I recognize that my mind can be somewhat scary in its power, I can harness the said power for the good - mine and others'. How? By feeding my mind with good things until there is no more space for the bad. By learning to master my own thoughts and emotions so I can distinguish between what is real and what is not.

I remember a coaching activity I did through another coach, in which I was asked to become aware of the story I'd been telling myself, the 'program' I'd been allowing to control the way I think and feel and act all through these years. And when I was made aware of that, I was able to examine it from an outsider's point of view and was able to realize just how destructive some parts of the story was. It was like a chain that was keeping me from exploring all the things I was capable of, limiting me to only this or only that - and it was in my mind.

That activity helped me to break free and create my own story. I've somehow forgotten it in the middle of the battle in my head, but it surfaces now and then - a reminder that I am not a victim, I have control over my life and my destiny.

The movie is just one reminder, but these past few days and weeks I'd been having what I would like to call glimpses of blessings - these small moments of clarity that seem to be a wake-up call to the reality of the predicament I am in. And the truth is, it's not so bad. It's really all just in my head.

One thing I realize is this: God is a God of variety. I think part of the thought patterns that led me to the conclusion that things are not going well is that I've broken the image of what 'going well' was for me.

For the better part of the past 2 years, the image was clear to me. Things were going well - I was part of a supportive community who taught me to dream and encourage me to pursue those dreams; I had a lot of time to do what I wanted to do, writing, together with people who dreamed of the same dreams and who fueled my fire to keep going; I was exploring new territories and skills and was having fun doing so; and I felt like I was on the right track, following my purpose.

And then things changed. The world shifted and, suddenly, the image was broken. I had to go back to the office. My attention, previously preoccupied by dreams and plans and possibilities, was now preoccupied by other things, and I felt I was losing control of the thoughts that ran around my head. And so, the image of what 'going well' meant to me was broken.

*With my family - photo taken when I went home for the first time after being locked down during the pandemic.*

But that movie brought another glimpse of blessing, and I realized that in my fixation on that image of 'going well' in my head, I failed to see all the other images that formed around it - all the other blessings that I received when things changed. I was promoted at work. After a long time of struggling to achieve financial freedom, I finally did - my credit card bills are manageable and I have some amount saved, on track to building my emergency fund. And then I remember my hashtag for this year - #iCelebrate. When I thought of this hashtag late last year, I told myself I wanted to celebrate all the little moments. To celebrate special occasions. To always greet people celebrating their birthday with a "happy birthday" as much as I can. Truth be told, I often forget about this. But looking back, I realized I achieved another milestone this year. For the first time in my life, I am able to bring a little spirit of joy to my family back in the province whenever someone is celebrating a special occasion - by sending food or cake home. It was Mother's Day yesterday, and I sent a cake and cupcakes and balloons to both Lola and Mama, something I've also done these past few months when my siblings and parents celebrated their birthday. It's a milestone for me because this is the only year I am able to do this consistently for everyone in my immediate family. And it brings me so much joy to be able to do it. Glimpses of blessings.

I realize I've taken all of these blessings for granted because I was so focused on that pandemic idea of what 'going well' means. And I am so thankful for the glimpses offered to me that have helped me see more clearly.

All the Beautiful Things

God is a God of variety, and of course He did not create just one design of success, of blessings. He created several images of it. By being too fixated on one design, I failed to recognize His other designs, failing to realize that He is continuously creating blessings around me. In my head, I had only one image of what perfect looks like, but God has multiple versions of it. Without realizing it, I am actually lucky to have been shown, to have experienced, more than just one version.

I still believe life is a cycle, but it's not just a mindless up and down cycle. It is a continuous journey - every upward and downward movement has a purpose, leading somewhere. As I go down, God allows me to use the momentum I've accumulated in order to go up again, this time faster, higher. And while I am down, He enables me to pick up new discoveries that will allow me to become better, and sometimes, to carry with me others on my way back up. It is a loop. And whether up or down, I am constantly changed, constantly evolving to become the person He's always created me to be.

So today, just like that boy and that girl in the movie, I will collect the beautiful things and the perfect moments in my everyday life. Whether up or down, I recognize that God is always at work, creating blessings for me and for the world. Oh how good it is to finally recognize this.

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