By: Bro. Rey Sioco, C.Ss. R | Province of Cebu
The paralyzing feeling of unworthiness leads to insecurities.
While reflecting on the readings today, I also tried to recall my journey in answering the call of the Lord for me. Questions like why it took me so long to respond to the call keep popping into my mind. One of my realizations was that I was too focused on my unworthiness and fears that I could not respond immediately. This feeling of unworthiness has haunted me up until now. The worst effect of this feeling of unworthiness is that it became a factor in my insecurities. Others are better than me. Others can do this thing better than me. Others are more worthy than me. Probing myself then to others has become one of my coping mechanisms, which did no good to me. I tried to project that I am good at something to cover up my insecurities.
In our first reading, we heard that the people were too focused on securing their own needs, such as eating to satisfy themselves, clothing themselves, working so hard, etc. They forget to do the will of the Lord, which was the true source of their security. A similar thing happened to Herod in our Gospel today. He was trying to see Jesus not because he was interested in him. It was because he was afraid and insecure of the presence of Jesus. His guilt from beheading John prevents him from seeing who Jesus was.
Today, I am reminded (or maybe all of us) by the Lord that if I/ we focus only on our unworthiness, we might fail to see his presence in our journey. We might spend all our efforts trying to prove ourselves to others. While it is not wrong to feel unworthy of our calling, which is the reality, dwelling so much on it might lead us to lose the chance of seeing the blessings that God has given us. The danger is that we might fall into the temptation to think that the center of our vocation journey is no longer the Lord who calls but ourselves. When we focus too much on our unworthiness, we become insecure to the point that it paralyzes us to appreciate the goodness that God also saw in us.
St. Lorenzo Ruiz, whose memorial we celebrate today, teaches us how to approach God's invitation for us. Like me and all of us, he was a man with a not-so-good past in his life. Lorenzo tried to escape from his old life. Yet when God called him to offer his life, he willingly offered it. As one of his famous quotes says, "If I had a thousand lives, I will offer them to thee." St. Lorenzo Ruiz was able to go beyond his unworthiness, which led him only to see the gift of martyrdom offered by God to him.
Let us ask the Lord to grant us the grace to go beyond our unworthiness and focus on the blessings he has given us so we can follow him more closely and faithfully. May our daily prayers and the grace of the Holy Eucharist remind us constantly of God's love for us- the very reason for our calling.
St. Lorenzo Ruiz, Pray for us.
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