10 Years Since My Saturn Return: 39 Realizations

chuckiechavez

February 2

There's a reason No Doubt named their 2000 album Return of Saturn. Gwen Stefani was 29 at the time of recording. It was a period she characterized with a strange fixation with Sylvia Plath and the gloomy implications that lurked beneath. The resulting opus was a repertoire of straightforward angst and the singles indicated as much. "Ex-Girlfriend" tackled post-breakup rage, "Bathwater" explored unhealthy obsession, and "Simple Kind of Life" depicted a woman's jilted dreams of settling down.

Now, compare that to the band's dynamic 2002 follow-up, Rock Steady, and more tellingly, Gwen's subsequent solo ventures where she crossed over to near-bubblegum pop. Obviously, a new woman had emerged, and she was more than exhilarated to reveal that side. She was already well within her 30s at the time. It seemed she just needed the purge.

Little did a casual listener like me know then, the title of their fourth album was likely at play. Turns out, Ms. Stefani was referring to something universal, something that encroaches into our lives every 29 years.

Cosmic Coming-of-Age

It takes approximately 29 years for Saturn to orbit the Sun - same duration it takes for one to reach adulthood. It's when major shifts happen at the prime of one's life, including but not limited to getting married, moving out, or changing one's circle of friends. Since the ringed planet is astrologically linked to tenacity and wisdom, the transitions tend to adhere to those themes. They're not expected to be smooth, nothing ever is, but we'd prefer the versions of us who'd emerge after. This phenomenon is called one's Saturn Return.

My first was nothing short of tumultuous. By 29, I had finally outed to my family and had just started divination practice. It was also when I experienced my most devastating heartbreak, which had me scrambling for my own take on Eat, Pray, Love and reevaluating my support system. A year later, I was retrenched from what felt like a long-term job (although, deep down, it was feeling like a dead end). I spent the next seven years or so hopping from one short-term gig to the other, until I could regain my footing.

I will spare you the detailed chronicle. That's not the intention of this piece. Instead, here's a free-flowing list of realizations inspired by my experiences and musings over the past decade. That's 10 years since my first Saturn Return, which is why I listed 39:

Trust your intuition. It's the best superpower you possess.
All heartbreak is valid, regardless of reason, magnitude, or label. You're entitled to acknowledge it, as much as you're entitled to heal.
There's no use trying to outrun pain, because it will catch up. Instead, it is better to let it run its course, no matter how long it takes. We recover in different paces.
We're not required to flush out trauma overnight. The trick is to identify our triggers, understand why they elicit such reactions, and, maybe, just maybe, work on being triggered less. See, even wounds healed by time still leave scars. It's a matter of bearing them with more dignity than before.
When we find ourselves in recurring conflict, we must eventually acknowledge the role we played, whether it's trusting the wrong people, obsessing on an unrealistic outcome, or resorting to our own hurtful behavior. We won't always be forgiven after owning up, but we can always strive to be better.
We're likely to find ourselves in the same predicament (or variations thereof), time and time again, until we identify and, eventually, break the pattern.
Those who dislike you will keep looking for reasons to justify their sentiments, from magnifying your simple mistakes to portraying your endearing qualities as red flags. More than proving those detractors wrong, prove to yourself that you're above unwarranted judgement.
There's no shame in being beaten down or even being thrown off the ring. Sometimes, standing or climbing up again is already enough victory. In hopeless cases, so is walking away from the arena with self-respect.
Never underestimate the power of a change in scenery.
It takes losing a position of influence to reveal true connection. Pay attention to the bonds that remain when you lose that power. Once you come to terms that some relationships are strictly transactional, it would hurt less.
Dimming your light should never be a prerequisite to friendship. If you find your circle cheering for only one person, while turning a blind eye to the achievements of the rest, you're not seen as friends; you're seen as minions.
You won't always be rewarded for being a fan. At best, you're metrics. At worst, you're seen as a salivating worshipper. There are ways of showing support without being commoditized or brushed off. Stay grounded in your appreciation. They're inspirations, not deities.
It's normal to no longer find pleasure in things we once identified as favorites. At some point, lyrics start sounding problematic and beloved characters start to annoy. Tastes naturally evolve. So do sensibilities and values. Even the creators of Friends once conceded that their show didn't age well.
Don't assume work bonds stay intact when you enter the same new job. The colleague who had your back in one chapter, can very much still stab it in the next. Different situations expose different sides.
Hell is a chat group that seen-zones you when it's your turn to speak.
Our employers deserve our professional behavior, in the same manner we deserve to be handled professionally as well.
Workplaces who identify as families are the likeliest to contradict themselves.
One can prove vital to a system without being devoured by it.
It's not your sole responsibility to change a toxic environment. That toxicity is bound to change you first, and often not for the better.
No one should be forced to sacrifice health for the sake of results and productivity. If machines need rest, what more our earthbound bodies?
Self-care is not selfishness. There's a reason airlines require passengers to wear oxygen masks before assisting others. You can't help others breathe, when you yourself are gasping for air.
At some point, you just know when you're too old to work too much for too little (or for free).
The wrong people will inevitably be weaned away from you in due time. It could hurt, especially if you once considered them friends. But understand: they're simply making room for more compatible energies. Let your tribe find you.
A friend with a different political inclination checks up on me frequently. On the other hand, a workmate who supported the same color once threw me under the bus. So, no. Opposing beliefs don't automatically warrant severing ties or revoking access. Being a jerk does.
Bloodlines create relatives. Love, trust, loyalty, and support create family. The two aren't instantly synonymous.
You can't habitually cause pain, then aspire to be revered as a good person. In the first place, you don't do good things just to be revered.
Apology is an expression of remorse, not an unli-pass to keep repeating the offense.
Some people will hold on to a memory of you that upholds their illusion of superiority, whether it's your previous lack of skills, your past mistakes, or your once immature behavior. Those people belong in the same place as the persona you worked tremendously hard to outgrow. That place is called The Past.
There's a fine line between being the Main Characters of our life stories and disregarding other perspectives in a vastly shared experience. When you believe that everything should be seen from your vantage point, that's when it becomes a Syndrome.
No wannabe kingdom built at the expense of others' well-being ever prospered, or for that matter, stayed standing.
The prevention of tampo is neithera reward nor a substitute for compensation.
Empowerment begins once you identify a situation as harmful to your spirit, as opposed to idealizing it. It puts you in a better position to protect your peace, even if the circumstances prevent distance for the time being.
Those who demonize your newfound strength once benefitted from your weakness.
You can be the hardest working person in the room and certain people will still want you out. Apart from honing your skills, it also pays to know where your true alliances lie. Survivor made it that much clear at the turn of the century.
Something meant for you will either find its way back, or in select cases, even chase after you, even when you say you're done. You'll know when you still have a purpose. And, in welcoming that chapter back, make sure it aligns with your personal progress. Don't let it pull you back to what you healed from.
It's okay to honor where you are and still feel destined for somewhere else. There can be peace in shelving plans when the time isn't ripe and just embracing the present, as long as you're within your chosen route.
Give yourself permission.
More than striving to make a name for yourself, put work out there. The rest will follow.
Always aim to love yourself better than yesterday.