THE TRAGEDY OF GRIEF

The Jecksetter

April 1

I start this note, typing on my laptop, with clouded vision, as my tears are ready to touch my cheeks. Heavy as this may feel, I best express myself through writing. So here goes.

It has been such a heavy start of my 2024. This year I lost my closest sister, my bestfriend, Ate Johanna. She passed away the day before my birthday. I have always told myself to get ready, to live a life without her, to LET HER GO. For the past two years since her diagnosis of Leiomyosarcoma, she has been nothing but an inspiration of strength and courage to me and everyone around her. For the past two years, she struggled, kept saying that she's "kapoy na" or tired, yet she kept fighting through each day. For the past two years, the years before that and until now, she is loved and always will be loved. She will forever be remembered.

One of my favourite childhood photos.

Since her passing in January, I have been facing, understanding and fighting the tragedy of grief. On most days "I handle it well". I pose for the camera or take videos of my adventures with such enthusiasm. I go to work and face my colleagues. I hang out with my friends with a smile. I simply throw a joke or two, tada, a flawless public facade.

Smile. That's it. Smile.

Grief is weird. One second I'm looking up at the sky, wondering if she's looking at me from above, the next second, I'm bawling my eyes out because I wonder if she's okay wherever she may be. One time I'd be laughing at our videos on my phone or on my vlogs, another time I'm crying because I'm browsing photos of our escapades on Facebook or Instagram. One day I'm reminiscing our childhood days, how we share interests and gossips, and the next day I remember how we fight because she hates how disorganised I am. An up and down experience in the memory lane rollercoaster.

Grief is empty. Such feeling of emptiness. Difficult to describe. I just know that I feel empty, or numb, or worst days, both. I feel frozen and that I just want to melt away.

Grief is love. As I try and comprehend what grief really means, I came across a definition saying that grief is unexpressed love. It is deep love where grief stems from. As the person I want to express love for is no longer physically around, I feel lost in where to place that love. I can no longer message her to tell her how much I love her. Now I simply look at our photo or look up at the sky, hoping she can hear me as I send her whispers of my love in the air.

Grief is loud. I sit at home in silence but grief screams so loud. I can hear it in my head, I can sense its vibration on my skin, I feel sick in my gut. My heart is beating and shattering at the same time. I try and close my eyes but it just sits right in front of me, waiting to be acknowledged and accepted. The noise of grief is disruptive when I try to sit silently with my thoughts and feelings so I end up crying after meditation and reflection.

We love our twinning. Well, me more than you really.

Each day I feel the tragedy of grief in various ways and see it in random places. At home, at work, on the streets, everywhere. I have somehow modified my life so grief to not affect me negatively wherein it has been quite challenging for me to keep taking a step forward and function as a human being with responsibilities.

Hereon forward I continue to build a life with grief, as grief never really goes away. I have come to understand that it is not something you get over with, but something you endure. I remake my life knowing that the person I planned to be my Amazing Race buddy, the maid of honour for my wedding, the fave Auntie of my nieces and nephew and my future kids will now be in my memories. Your absence will always hurt as our family photos are no longer complete. I can no longer message you with my random thoughts and opinion on things that you don't really care about but I tell you anyway. I will keep moving forward but I will always look back and remember you. I miss you dearly.

Family, my love, my anchor.

Death and grief as catastrophic parts of human life has sharpened my appreciation for life and how we spend our precious time. Last year I grieved for the loss of a long-term relationship and this year I grieve for you. My life will carry on through laughter and tears, even though I struggle with adulthood on my own (and with Lady - my emotional support dog who is also emotional). Gratitude and appreciation of life continues to fuel my tank.